Not Again!: Kid Clown in Crazy Chase
Clowns. Spaceships. Bombs. A Princess. Landslides. Hundred-ton weights with wings. The Himalayas. What do all these things have in common? No, it’s not a snarky round of Apples to Apples. It’s the smorgasbord of treasures included in a video game called Kid Clown in Crazy Chase, a 1994 SNES classic by Kemco, maker of other grammatically challenged titles such as Prehistorik Man and Mickey Mouse: Magic Wands! (They also did another favorite of mine, Super Troll Islands. But that’s another story for another day.)
Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow
This unforgettable entry into the SNES library begins with the fateful abduction of Her Royal Highness Princess Honey from Klown Planet by the evil space pirate, Blackjack. An interesting side note: Blackjack was also credited by Wikipedia as “Dirty Joe,” a name possibly altered for North American audiences due to the fact that pedophiliac themes are generally frowned upon.
Naturally, Princess Honey’s father, the King of Klown Planet, decides to secure the safety of his daughter with his greatest weapon. What? Oh no? He chooses to send Kid Clown instead because, in the King’s own words, “You’re the only Klown klutzy enough for this mission[.]”
The King’s wisdom is perhaps only surpassed by his taste for practical jokes. He is the king of Klown Planet, after all.
When engaging Blackjack’s space galleon, Kid Clown makes his first mistake, accidentally pressing the “Panic Button” instead of… some kind of weapon.
“Oh kid, you are such a klutz,” declares Honey. She then implores, “This could get ugly. Hey you! Yeah, you… the one playing this game. Kid’s gonna need all the help he can get! Are you up to it! Then let’s get busy!”
It’s never too early to break the fourth wall. That’s right. Honey, Princess of Klown Planet, demands that you get busy. She sure doesn’t seem very particular. Pretty forward for a kid (clown).
Oh, this is all the cutscene before you can even start the game.
Everybody’s Drunk
The gameplay consists of an isometric three-quarters view of Kid Clown walking down a path (or, in one of its seemingly limitless five levels, walking down a street) and avoiding a dangerous world entirely indifferent to your pain.
No, not just Kid Clown. You, yeah, you… the one playing this game. You’re going to feel the pain too.
Along the way, you must collect a spade, heart, diamond, and club symbol. You can’t go backwards, the best you can do is stop moving forward. Of course, if you move too slowly, a bomb will explode and presumably destroy the world. (If it didn’t destroy the world, I’m not sure why you couldn’t just… stay away from the bomb in the first place.)
Oh, and if you don’t collect each and every one of the four symbols, you have to redo the level. That’s right, the whole level. Blackjack even sets up the bomb again. It’s kind of like groundhog’s day. A colorful, tedious, nonsensical groundhog’s day.
I’ve also noticed a few interesting quirks in the controls for this game. For one thing, it’s extremely easy to move screen right, yet its more difficult to move left. This shouldn’t be. I also have the sneaking suspicion that the linear perspective is incorrect when Kid Clown moves left or right across the screen: it seems to me like he’s not capable of walking in a straight line the way that he should be. Another thing: he can’t walk backwards, even a little bit. Coupled with the Princess’s, erm, forwardness and the King’s inability to display any kind of solid reasoning when electing his hero for the mission to save his daughter, I can only conclude one thing: Everyone in this game is drunk.
Not Again!
My favorite part? The game literally says “Not Again!” when you fail to achieve the critical but unexplained objective of getting all four symbols. One thinks the expansive opening sequence would explain why we need those things anyway. I suspect it’s been left vague because the programmers didn’t know how to explain the economic importance of stretching out a video game with just five levels to prevent screaming and disappointed children from returning the damn thing because they beat it in twenty minutes.
By the way, if you do get all the suits on the first go, that’s the total length of time it takes to beat this life-altering experience of a game. Twenty minutes. You couldn’t spend money any better than this… not like there aren’t starving children all over the world or anything.
Say Your Prayers
The game begins in a lush green forest. Blackjack plants his bomb and lights his fuse. Kid Clown falls from the sky to face plant with such velocity that I doubt even dental records would assist in identifying this unfortunate being; his skin literally wrapping itself around the ground.
If Kid Clown’s God was merciful, Kid Clown in Crazy Chase would end where it began. He would forgo the Kid’s suffering of being crushed, set on fire, and terrors stranger than should be included in a children’s game.
But Kid Clown’s God is not a merciful God. And it’s all down hill from here.
It’s So Cold in the D
Did I mention that Kid Clown crash landed on a planet with the colorful appeal of a Disney resort but the danger or Detroit? Everything is dangerous. Fire extinguishers explode as you walk near them, blasting your body against a wooden fence. Soda cans inexplicably trap you and eat up precious time. Boulders fall from above, bombs reign down from the skies like the attack on Dresden in World War II. Even pleasant balloons that could hold the mission-critical suit symbols occasionally fall on your head and stop you for several seconds while the bomb fuse moves you closer to oblivion, imperceptible from their more helpful counterparts.
It reminds me of a nightmare directed by Hitchcock on LSD, or perhaps my favorite psychological experiments in learned helplessness. You know the one, where they go to great lengths to teach dogs they can’t get our of harms way, and then put them in a situation they CAN get out of, but they just lay there all depressed, getting shocked instead? Actually, that kind of reminds me of this whole game because I keep playing even though I could willingly stop at any time.
Come to think of it, the game even asks me if I want to keep playing after (an inevitable) game over. You know, it’s a special kind of game designer that is able to capture the essence of stockholm syndrome within a 16-bit game cartridge. Thank you Kemco. Thank you for bringing Guantanamo Bay that much closer to home.
This made my life. You are quite humorous. I want some chocolate.